AND WE ARE BACK! It has been a minute, ya’ll, but I finally have some things to say (well, I always have shit to say, but you get the point).
DISCLAIMER: My blogs WILL have typos. Once I write about an experience, I leave it where it is. I don’t want to look back at them or relive them, so once I write, I don’t proofread. Sorry, not sorry. Either way, take what you need and leave what you don’t.
So, let’s talk about baggage as it pertains to attachment (of your feelings) and relationships. See, baggage can take many forms. Often times, when we hear the words as it pertains to relationships its in the context of “don’t bring what your ex did to you in this relationship”. Which, is completely fair. However, what I am learning, is that there is more to it.
Some people don’t actually realize they have baggage. It is not something as simple as “Oh, I have trust issues” or “I am afraid that you are going to cheat because…”. Moreover, some people, most people, know they have baggage and don’t know where it comes from. I am most people. YOU are probably most people too. This is where we start to talk about attachment (of your feelings).
Attachment (of your feelings) is the same as projection or displacement. Let me break it down: You ever wake up funky as hell? You feel low, or dumb, or fat, or whatever? And you can’t exactly pinpoint why it is that you feel that way, you just know you feel it. Now, your partner or friend comes along and tells you that you didn’t do something right, or that something you have on isn’t the most flattering. Suddenly, you’re upset at that person because they made you feel dumb, or fat, or any other number of negative emotions. You have ATTACHED that feeling to a person, to give it reason and validation, even though you already felt that way.
This happens often in relationships. I have done it, you have probably done it. Luckily, there is a way to avoid it…or at least recognize when its happening so you can mitigate it and talk about it. The solution, you ask? HEAL!
I know, I know. Yall are so over me talking about healing. But when I tell you, it is so necessary to ANY relationship you want to have, either romantic or platonic. All relationships require a level of give and take. You have to meet somewhere where they are at (for the most part) and they need to meet you where you are at (again, for the most part). In order to meet someone anywhere, you cannot have a heavy load. Or you can, but everything becomes that much harder to bare, especially when you care about someone. Likewise, when someone meets you, they should not (or shouldn’t want to) have a heavy load either. You have to make a pitstop to heal before you meet somewhere where they are at and before you can be met where you are at.
Relationships, of all kind, are an energy transfer. Naturally, when you care about someone, in any way, you want to be there for them if and when you can. There a load that you naturally carry for that person, and them for you (if the situation is mutual, of course). If you are already on over load, because you have not made your healing pitstop and you are carrying around things that are already too heavy, you will not, cannot, be an equal partner.
The reason why it is so necessary to heal, in any way as long as it’s healthy, is because it allows you to identify 1) the feelings you have when you are having them, 2) where they may stem from, and 3) not to project them, displace them, or attach them to your partner/ friend. Let me explain to you in more detail what I mean (Hypothetically, romantically): You are afraid that your partner is going to stop loving you. You feel like you have to be perfect (the prettiest, the smartest, the…EST). If you are not perfect, you feel unseen (maybe), unappreciated (maybe), or like your partner is bored of you (maybe). Mind you, these are all perceptions…but let me continue. So, if your partner has to work later, or if they laugh at their phone, or even if they are ON the phone, those feelings of being unseen, unappreciated, or boredom start to creep back up. Suddenly, its your partner that is making you feel this way. Instead of saying something, you let it fester. Maybe you start to do even more to be perfect. Maybe you start to push your partner away. Maybe you start to look for things to validate your feelings of unworthiness and sadness. You have attached those feelings to your partner. BUT…have you stopped to think about why you feel the need to be perfect anyways. Have you stopped to think about who didn’t appreciate you for being you BEFORE your relationship?
We all have unspoken, unconscious traumas, feelings, and fears. Some of them may stem from a situation of the recent past, but most of them step from out childhood years; things that went unresolved because we didn’t have the tools to resolve them. When you have not made the pitstop to heal, you attach those unconscious childhood situations to whatever current situation that causes those feelings to resurface. You may not even know that you are doing it. If you don’t I am here to plant that seed for you. And if you do, then I am here to guide you in a direction (may not be the right one, because I don’t have all the answers!).
In a later post, I will talk about ways to heal. But for now read the Three Things You Need to Know About Emotional Healing.
Until Next Time,
GPA: Growth, Positivity, & All The Things [healing]