DISCLAIMER: My blogs WILL have typos. Once I write about an experience, I leave it where it is. I don’t want to look back at them or relive them, so once I write, I don’t proofread. Sorry, not sorry. Either way, take what you need and leave what you don’t.
This will be a three part post, a beginning, middle , and an end (THIS POST). I started this blog, Finding Jaymee, as a platform to express myself, my woes and growth throughout my journey, and to promote growth and self care in those that read my posts. There is a lot of healing that has taken place within this platform, and outside of this platform.So, let’s jump right (back) in.
AND WE’RE BACK FOR THE FINALE! Okay, not really the finale, but I wanted to be extra. But seriously, this is the last post in this I Found Jaymee series. I will still be blogging, but my trajectory and my mission for myself and this blog has changed drastically. So, let me get into it…
After this post, I do not plan on going backwards and rehashing the past. I have dealt with so much of that baggage and dropped it off where it needed to be dropped off. That’s done. And when things come up in the future, whether a trigger I didn’t know about, or something I need to unlearn, it will be handled more so in the moment, instead of being dragged or attached to a past event or situation. I am going to do my best to leave the past where the hell it belongs, right behind me, kissin’ my ass. However, in order to close out this series, I must tell you one final story; A Story about purpose. Or rather, my previous struggle with purpose.
Purpose is something that has always boggled my mind. Like, what the hell is my purpose? Am I supposed to have a purpose at this point in life? If I don’t have a purpose, then am I wasting my life? Like…..WTF. I first heard the word purpose (as it pertains to life) when I was in high school. “Jaymee, what do you want your purpose to be? What mark do you want to leave in this world?” Being asked this question, as an over thinker, caused my mind to spiral and obsess over needing to have a purpose. Officially, at that time, it was as if nothing I was doing matter because it wasn’t making an impact…so I thought. Social Media, as this point, was kicking off, and everything that everyone was doing seemed so grandiose. I started to compare and fantasize.
Anyways, everything I seemed to be doing wasn’t leaving any sort of mark or impact. Even though I was doing “cool” things, it didn’t seem like they mattered. I thought that I had to do something BIG to make an impact and leave a mark on this world. I thought that I needed to be known. I needed to be famous or on tv or have a couple thousand followers or be the life of the party. I thought that I was supposed to be a specific type of person, date a specific type of person. I wanted people to like me, I wanted guys to like me, and I wanted other girls to want to be me. It was driving me insane. Everything I did felt like it was for show; for recognition. Traveling, basketball, writing, speaking, etc. While, I love all these things, I had definitely started to lose love for them and only showcase instead of enjoy it. It felt as though I had to perform or put out product for other people. The more other people saw it or “liked” it, the more value and purpose I had.
Although I spent many years of my seemingly short life thinking that purpose was external validation, something in me, at 27 years old, clicked. I have figure out what my purpose is. I have figured out what makes me happy and the mark I want to leave on this world (I’ve also become aware of the mark I have already left). Are you ready for what is it?…
TO LIVE MY OWN AUTHENTIC LIFE. Or as Kevin Hart would say, to “mind my G**D**M M*TH*R F**K*N Business!
No seriously, thats my purpose. THATS IT. When I am authentic, I radiate an unmatched energy. If you’ve read this much of the blog, you already feel it. I love helping people and talking to people, especially the youth (which is why I teach)! I love traveling and getting new perspectives on the world, but also sharing my own. I love writing and being able to share my story in hopes that it impacts your journey. Everything I love to do is my purpose, and all of this leaves a mark on the people around me. No, I don’t want to be an influencer by instagram definition. No, I don’t want to be an author yet (because when I started writing my book, it was for clout, not for me and you). No, I do not want to monetize my blog because I don’t want to create content. My journey isn’t content, it’s just…a journey, a story to tell you. But, what I do want to do is LIVEEEEEEE. And let me tell ya’ll, I have been living.
In uncovering my purpose, to live authentically and acknowledge the differences I make on a regular basis, I have given myself peace. As I have started living more for myself each day (and not living for other people’s applause or comparing my life to other people’s lives) I have been so much happier. I have really been enjoying my days more, even when I am not doing anything. Even when bad things happen, I usually tell myself “Nothing is ever that bad” and keep it pushing. I have definitely set boundaries for myself and my relationships, but I am sticking to them because I know that I am worth it. As I start to see and believe my value, I am also starting to check myself more in the moment. I guess you could say that I am proactive instead of reactive?
Now, I am not saying that everything is perfect. Firstly, because perfection isn’t a thing, and secondly because that would be boring. What I’m saying is that, I found myself. I know, for the most part, what I want to do or at least who I want to be. I know who the kind of person I want in my corner and I know the kind of person I need to leave at the door. I am no longer aimlessly trying to please everyone but myself. I know what direction I want my life to go in, and that is a huge jump from the self harming, suicidal slump that I was in before. This makes me joyful and grateful on a daily basis. This makes me glow and radiate for everyone to see.
Now, to make all of this come full circle, my blog will still be up and running. But I will write at my leisure. I still have lots to say and a story to tell, and you still have lots to read and lots to take in (if you so choose). I might write once a month, or once a week. Who know’s. But whatever is written on this platform, the words that spill from my fingers, will be written from Jaymee now.
As a part of this journey of healing, purpose, and Finding Jaymee, I have really started to listen to and capture the ways that I have impacted various people inside and outside my circle. So, below are some random comments, texts, and captions that I have screen-shotted that caught me by surprise and warmed my heart.
To end the series, I just want to say that the key to your healing, finding your purpose, and working toward happiness (because happiness is a journey, not a destination) is to be true to yourself. It might take more or less time to figure that out, but it worth it.
Thanks for reading. Leave a comment or find me on social media!
As always, take what you need and leave what you don’t. Until next time,
Positivity, Growth, and All the things,