DISCLAIMER: My blogs WILL have typos. Once I write about an experience, I leave it where it is. I don’t want to look back at them or relive them, so once I write, I don’t proofread. Sorry, not sorry. Either way, take what you need and leave what you don’t.
This will be a three part post, a beginning, middle (this post), and end. I started this blog, Finding Jaymee, as a platform to express myself, my woes and growth throughout my journey, and to promote growth and self care in those that read my posts. There is a lot of healing that has taken place within this platform, and outside of this platform.So, let’s jump right (back) in.
Part 2: The middle (the struggle)
As I mentioned before, in part 1, I had been doing and experiencing things that were weighing me down, sitting on me, preventing me from really progressing and doing what needed to be done for myself. Not to say that these things or people were bad, but they were not good for me or aiding me in the ways that I now needed. They had been good for a short time, but as they lingered, things became bitter, stagnant.
I went back and forth with myself, especially when it came to people. I would give ultimatums or set boundaries that I didn’t uphold. Then I would find myself back in the very situation that made me set those boundaries (in anger or sadness) before. I felt like I was in a revolving door, watching myself experience the same things over and over. I mean, it makes sense right? You do the same things, you get the same results? Duh Jaymee. But at the time, the healing that I started to do was hard. Looking at yourself and acknowledging your flaws and baggage is HARD; like seriously that shit really sucks at first. So I wasn’t upholding boundaries with some of the people in my life because having someone around, in hindsight, to project on or distract me, was better than going through the healing and transformation process alone.
I also let myself think that because I was healing and transforming (or at least trying to), that the people around me would follow and do the same. Like, yasss we can do this together, follow meeeeeee! Looking back, I was definitely pressing the issue, almost bullying people to start their healing process and get on with it so we could flourish and be on the same page. Nope, wrong, sikeeeeeee. I learned the hard way that people do not move how I move. Nothing against them, but some people either do not want to start that process, do not have the tools to start that process, or are in a different stage of the process. I learned that you cannot force an individual to do anything, period, especially when that something requires deep reflection and looking inward. Can’t force our parents to accept our changes; can’t force our friends to break generational traumas and patterns; can’t force our partners to progress and break bad habits; can’t for our parents to see the value in healing. We CANNOT force the issue. And this is what 2020 taught me, as it came crashing in like a neglected leaky roof (this happened in my old apartment in June, so the reference is VALID AF).
2020 was the year of boundaries for growth, for healing, and mostly for my damn self. If you remember reading my post about Peru, I’d come home from an amazing trip, and upon landing I felt so unsettled, unfulfilled about where I was in life and the things I was accepting. Not to take away from a good trip, but man, the energy that was waiting for me was not cute. But, I ignored it some more, still tried to force people into healing and love and acceptance (again, that was a hard no no!). I was not listening to myself, my intuition, my emotions. At least, not at first. But then, the chaos started, or intensified really.
It’s sad to say, but after these three deaths, going into quarantine, and life just turning into the upside down (Stranger Things reference) without warning, made me really rethink the direction I wanted to go in, the future I wanted to have, the boundaries I needed to set. I started to really understand the “life is too short” mentality. Yes, I had stopped self harming the year before, but now I was starting to want a future for myself, beyond the next day or the next thrill. I need to pull myself out of what felt like a train wreck. I had already hit a low point, but I don’t want to sit in its aftermath, I want to save the rest of me! I wanted to and started to express more gratitude than ever before. And because I could not see myself in the future, and I wanted to acknowledge the positive and the great things I had in my life, I also had to take note of some of the reasons and causes of my negative feelings or energy. I had to cut some of the dead leaves so the rest of me could grow, otherwise everything would remain infected and stunted. I wanted to be spoken to (or not spoken to) a certain. I wanted to get and give consent for everything, but especially emotional unloading. I wanted my space. I wanted communication, for and from myself.
This, right here, was real end of an “era”. My situationship was done. I moved to a new apartment, with new energy. I’d cut off the other dudes I’d been talking to, sleeping with, etc (boundaries bruh, boundaries). I really wanted NO PARTS of anything or anyone. I was tired of the way I’d feel after sexual encounters. I was tired of wanting something from and for my relationships and not getting it. I was tired of waking up sad every day. I was tired of the negative energy cloud that lingered over my damn head. Like, for what. Again, life is too short to be out here feeling like garbage. Granted, I had come a long way, but I wanted to go farther. I started cutting the dead leaves.
I started to work on myself, crawling my way to where I needed and wanted to be. I jumped back into working out, but this time, for enjoyment instead of a distraction. I leveraged my good friendships, even had restorative and transparent conversations (honestly, I needed to put forth more effort). More importantly, for me, I accepted and put effort into the relationship with my mom. A large part of dropping my baggage, unpacking it, and leaving it, was the ability to stop living in the past, to stop holding grudges. It takes so much effort to hold on to something that’s too heavy, no matter how used to it you are.
2020 showed me what fatigue really was. But in the same light, it showed me that, if you sit still and work on yourself, some good things can come of it. THAT will be part 3. So stay tuned.
P.S. take what you might need, leave what you don’t. Be kind to yourself, wherever you are at. You are loved, you are valued, you are right on time.
Positivity, Growth, and all the things,