This is difficult story to share, because my walk with God has not always been a thing. I spent many years of my short life refusing God’s love and grace. I used God as a source of blame for my problems and the problems in the world, instead of praising him for allowing air in my lungs and blessings in my life. But the point here is that God never stopped loving me. He never stopped pouring into me and blessing me, even though I was blind and ungrateful toward his work. The point here I that God was right with me, but I needed to get right with myself.
Believing and praising His name does not and will not solve all your problems. Similar to how just signing up for a marathon and buying all the gear will not be enough to get you across the finish line. YOU HAVE TO PUT IN THE WORK. I started going back to church in November. No direct change in my circumstances. I got baptized. No Direct impact to my love life. I started bible study. No direct impact on the self-hatred in my heart. It was not until I started doing the work to love and value myself, along with continuing my thanks and praise to God every day for my blessings, that I started to see a change. I started to tell myself positive affirmations. I starting being vulnerable with myself and those I loved. These affirmations and mantras include, but are not limited to:
- When I am feeling lonely or hurt (for various reasons) I have started to tell myself to “sit with it”. No need to pick a fight with the guy that I am seeing. No need to think people don’t care. Just “sit with it”.
- I have been telling myself, out loud, that “today is a good day“. Especially when I am doing things alone or not doing very much at all. This helps my brain stop thinking that someone needs to be around or some huge thing needs to be accomplished in order for the day to be good, in order to feel blessed.
I have started to pour into myself. I make deposits into my self bank. I workout, which helps me value and take care of the temple that God has blessed me with. I talk to my loved ones every day and am vulnerable and candid with them, and I pray for them and thank God allowing them to bless my life. I listen to upbeat music and dance around my room (It’s amazing what a good tempo and a hairbrush mic can do for you during quarantine). This really helps me vibe and love myself so much more.I cry when I need to, and ask for God’s guidance, instead of taking my fears and sorrows into my own hands and shutting Him out.
Some days, I honestly still feel like I am going through the motions and I’m on survival mode. But God is with me and I actually know and feel like I will make it through anything. I have also begone to love myself so many more than I thought possible because I am grateful for the life and light that He blessed me with. I was chosen and given my divine body and mind. How dare I disrespect Him by not taking care of myself. He loves me, I should love me too!
Disclaimer: I wrote this post for MCWEN a while ago, but wanted to share with you all as well! Thank you all for your love and light and allowing me to share my stories!
Positivity, Growth, and All the things,