Letter to Little Jaymee: Sorry

Quarantine has given me a lot of time to reflect. I usually spend a lot of time on autopilot, going and going and figuring out what I want to do next. But reflecting on the past, my upbringing, and that little child inside me that often gets neglected…well that takes a different type of silence…Quarantined Isolation silence. So, I’ve taken the time to think about all the things, and write little Jaymee a letter.

Dear Little Jaymee,
Jaymee, it is important for you to know, first and foremost, that nothing was ever your fault. No matter what happened, IT. WAS NOT. YOUR. FAULT.
Little Jaymee, I love you. I didn't always. In fact, there were several years where I tried to kill both of us off. Years where, I didn't think I was good enough to be good enough for you. Times when, I still felt like you, even in my adult years. Sad, anxious, always trying to figure out how to please everyone but yourself. Yeah, that happens sometimes.

But Jaymee, I do love you. You are a "strong" little girl. You keep fighting, keep going, even when the tank seems like it's out of gas. You continue to love people, even after so many have done you wrong or been naysayers. You channel your anger and your fear into playing instruments and sports. You take your worst feelings and make sure that the next person, stranger or familiar, does not feel the same way you feel. You hide. You never miss a beat. You're resilient.

But Jaymee, I do love you. You are a "strong" little girl. You keep fighting, keep going, even when the tank seems like it's out of gas. You continue to love people, even after so many have done you wrong or been naysayers. You channel your anger and your fear into playing instruments and sports. You take your worst feelings and make sure that the next person, stranger or familiar, does not feel the same way you feel. You hide. You never miss a beat. You're resilient.

Jaymee, I love you. Even in your sadness and your hurt and your hatred...because this is the way you learned how to function. This was not your fault. This is just...your saga, your story, your conditioning. You deserve to be loved, and finally, I can give that to you - because I can give that to myself.

Little Jaymee...girl...you are free. You don't have to be trapped by your self hatred and your self doubt. Now you are loved by the one person that really matters. You can be yourself, live your truth. I am so sorry that I could not give this to you before. But I am here now. And you waited patiently for me, like you've done for so many people. You kept showing up, kept it pushing, even when the tank...seemed like it was out of gas. Somewhere, in that little heart of yours, you knew to keep waiting, not to cut too deep, to let the wounds here. You watched desperately as people came and went, waiting for a specific kind of love.
Im here now. And I know you forgive me, because I forgive myself.
Sincerely,
Us.

Positivity, Growth, and All the Things,

Jaymee(s)

Published by Finding Jaymee LLC

As a 28 year old educator, traveler, and athlete, I aspire to candidly shed light on my journey through my blackness and my womanhood, and promote positivity, growth, and all the things!

11 thoughts on “Letter to Little Jaymee: Sorry

  1. I love your letter to your younger self! I’ve thought about doing things several times as her and I have a lot to talk about. No time like the present I suppose! Thanks for sharing 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Right! Even if you write down little bullet points of things you feel like she needs to hear. This letter was a year in the making, and it wasn’t until quarantine forced us to slow down that I was like, okay Jaymee just write it!

      Like

  2. I am so incredibly proud of the woman you have become and being able to know you for all these years! Keep growing and courageously following the dreams in your heart. You are doing great things—this is going to start a ripple effect! Love you!

    Like

  3. Whew chile (wipes tears from eyes)! My therapist told me to write a letter to my younger self so many times. I’m not ready. You mentioned channeling your anger to sports. That was me. I ran track and was in the band colorguard. I felt like someone else. I can so relate. I am thoroughly enjoying watching your journey Jaymee. Grateful our paths crossed. keep it up! You are STRING! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Girl we are TOGETHER!. My old therapist told me to do this in 2016. I started maybe last year and then finished for the blog and didn’t say half or what I need to say, cause I’m not all there! Thank you for your thoughtful comment and sisterhood

      Liked by 1 person

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