AHHHHHHHHHHHH! I NEED TO DO ALLLL THE THINGGGGSS!
I am an extroverted person. Contrary to popular belief, not all extroverts want or need to be around crowds of people. However, most, if not all, extroverts are more expressive, like doing things stimulating (and sometimes overly stimulating) things, and like to be busy in some way, shape, or form. I, myself, like to talk to people a lot of the time. I don’t necessarily want people in my space, but I like going out a lot, wandering aimlessly or with friends. My mom says I’m always “galavanting in the streets” and it makes her nervous. Haha. I also love autonomy. So if I choose to stay inside and not be bothered, well its my choice. If I choose to “galavant” then thats also my choice. But, as well as being an extrovert, I am also very anxious, carry a lot of self doubt and internal negativity.
Okay, Im finished. I just had to get that out. Anyways…It is the official day 9 of this Quarantine in NYC…and, well, as an Extrovert, I think I am handling it better than I thought, but not as well as I would have liked.
So, I guess you can see why a quarantine in New York City of all places, would cause some crazy emotions I didn’t even know I could experience in one day, as well as cabin fever. In the first days, when remote teaching was kick starting and the guy that I am seeing was around, I didn’t feel the quarantine effects as much. But, as it is nearing the end of the first full weekend, where there is no work to do, my friends and “partner” aren’t around, and I have had wayyyyyyyyyyy too much time to myself, I. Am. Feeling. It.
So yesterday, the first day on my own where I hadn’t gotten out much or talked to people really, I kept myself as busy as possible. I did some work. I did a workout. I cleaned. I cleaned again. I did another workout. I meal prepped. I cleaned again (You see where this. is going). I applauded myself for having a day where I was able to sit with myself. But see, as good and productive of a day that was, I was not by any means sitting or being with myself. I was distracting myself the best way I knew how. I was distracting myself until the company (either friends or my “partner) I was expecting showed up to save the day. However, when that person didn’t show up, and night time set in, the melt down started. I hadn’t anymore ways to distract myself. The silence was deafening. And I had a freaking melt down. Oh I cried into my pillow, sat up, laid down, got up and paced, cried some more. I did end up calming myself down and having some decent sleep, but I’ll get to that here soon.
So, as a part of the routine that I spoke about in Self Care in t he Midst of a Pandemic I needed to add some internal self mantras and self WORK into the mix. The self care routine that I talked about is so helpful for me as an extrovert to keep my brain stimulated. It matches my outward personality. However, it is missing self work and mantras that I ended up discovering and liking last night and this morning:
- When I am feeling lonely or hurt (for various reasons) I have started to tell myself to “sit with it”.
- No need to download Tinder for instant glorification and validation. No need to pick a fight with the guy that I am seeing. No need to really cry and think people don’t care. Just “sit with it”.
- I have been telling myself, out loud, that “today is a good day“.
- Especially when I am doing things alone or not doing very much at all. I’m starting to say, 10 times a day, “today is a good day”. This helps my brain stop thinking that someone needs to be around or some huge thing needs to be accomplished in order for the day to be good.
- Lastly, something that has been on going and hard for me to deal with is…I have to sit with myself and my feelings, because if I don’t, I end up heavily relying on people.
- I have let people in my circle and personal space that do not value me and do not treat me how I deserve to be treated. I do this because, any validation is better than being with myself.
- I’ve sat and waited for people to call or come over or pay attention to me all day, but for whatever reason, I haven’t felt like I can do for myself what they can do for me (which I now know is bullshit, but hey…)
These three things sound pretty easy huh? But for me, this takes effort. It takes effort that I don’t want to use, or that I would rather use distracting myself. Sitting with feelings and motivating myself is not easy, but something that this quarantine has forced to happen. And honestly, right now I don’t like it. I just know that it will be good for me in the long run. My extroverted future self is telling me to stick with the journey and that it’ll all be worth it. I have no problems being an extrovert, but I still need to learn to like and love myself, for simple fact that enjoying your time and space is necessary, and seeking external validation ALL THE TIME is not healthy for anyone.
So, if this resonates with you, great. If not, that’s also fine.
This is my story, this is my journey.
Peace,Love, and All the things!